| God Damn! It's been almost two months since the last update! So I may ramble on about some things, and briefly touch certain topics... 1. Mom's okay...surgery went well, and it seems like life's back to normal for her (and us). 2. Got a promotion...nice promotion...in the real estate division of the classified advertising department (which is where I've been trying to go for the past few months). Bigger weekly paycheck, plus bonus money at the end of every period if we meet goal. 3. Frank's new old car...Yes, he finally got a car...so stress has gone down...I no longer have to wait for him, or let him use my car when he goes to his mom's. '93 Explorer, with 98k on it, and it looked very clean...just a few detailing things that can be done...needs a retractable cargo cover for the back to hide his trunk stuff. 4. on that note...Rene's NEW New car...traded in my ghetto Matrix that I've been having problems with since the beginning...a/c, window problem, excess mileage (which I can't blame the car for)...108K on an '03...that's ridiculous! The car...an '07 FJ Cruiser! Like a Mini Cooper on steroids...black cherry with a white top...loaded...no super loaded...probably wouldn't have gotten all the stuff if it hadn't come with it already...4x4, touch-screen GPS in dash w/ DVD player, cargo rack, rubber mats...they threw in an integrated Bluetooth reciever for my phone and I upgraded to an 8-disc changer for my CDs... Speaking of CDs, I think I've gone to the dark side. I still listen to what I normally listen to, but I've added another genre...yes...country music. Kill me now. I mean, I've liked some songs already, because you hear them in stores, commercials, etc. But I've gone as far as buying not one, but TWO Tim McGraw cds (quite possibly because he could very well be God's idea of perfection of the male body)...and now, my co-worker has turned me into a Garth Brooks fan. It's funny when you listen to my cds in the car, and one moment you heat E-40, then you hear Tim McGraw! You got a problem with it, well, who gives a damn! Other than that...just work work work...bored as hell at times....been on XBox Live a lot more...in fact, I've found a community of gay video gamers (cleverly called "gaymers"), so I've been chatting with people there...more online gaming, and I've integrated the 360 with my computer and it plays MP3s and pictures directly onto my TV...pretty cool, I guess, even though I can pretty much do the same thing on my computer, which is adjacent to the TV. but yeah... (The following part, I found myself typing about my love life...I didn't think it was gonna go on that long, but I did. I almost deleted it, but if I did, I wasn't really getting it off my chest. So if you don't wanna read about it, STOP READING NOW! This is what I get for listening to so much emo and country.) Aside from that, life's been pretty bland...even the love life is in major need of a jumpstart...nothing exciting...he does his own thing, I do mine. I'm staying home. It's pretty much come to the point where there hasn't been any common ground lately. He's in LA for the weekend, I didn't wanna go, so I've been home all weekend doing shit. The scary thing...I've been finding myself looking at personals online...I haven't crossed that line and acted on it, though, but I've just been like a kid in a candy store with no money. That's the good thing...the bad thing is, will it ever get to the point where I will cross that line? I feel like I'm mentally cheating on him...I say to myself..."What the hell am I doing?!!?!?" I'm just worried that we're getting bored with each other...we haven't done much together...if we have time together going out, it's with one of our friends. If we actually have alone time, he's watching tv, or I'm playing video games or sitting on the computer. No intimacy whatsoever. He's on the couch, I'm sitting on the computer chair. I mean, I love him, and I'm 99 ure it's mutual, but I don't see us acting on it. We kiss...no, peck each other when I go to work, or he goes to work, but that's about all the physical contact we have. Without getting too graphic, there hasn't been much cuddling, or intimacy...when we do get "intimate", it's not intimate, if you know what I mean. It feels like a "no strings attached" encounter with someone you just met online. Our priorities are different also...I'm looking to the future, and what life changes may come up...he lives life day to day...totally opposite. I was told by a close friend of his that that's how he looks at life, which, to me, is a very, very bad thing. No planning ahead. In a simple analogy, I plan a rough itinerary for a vacation...he just goes on the vacation and does things according to his mood. In other words, I'm more of the "We're leaving the house at 6 a.m. sharp...he's more of the "Whenever we wake up and get dressed, that's when we're going." Apply that to your everyday way of living, and you'll know what I'm talking about. But at the same time, I'm doing things for myself now, and he's doing more things for himself. I'm forcing myself not to do things for him...It's a tit-for-tat relationship...I don't know anyone that lives that old fashioned relationship, where one person has to take care of the other more...gay or straight. It's like women's lib, but for gay couples. Yet, at the same time, there needs to be more communication. He tells me he needs shocks for his car. So, I figure he's saving $20 here and there from his paychecks. Mind you, he's had about four to six paychecks since he's gotten the car. He should have had plenty of money already. $20 a week is nothing, even if you were being payed $8 an hour (he's getting paid much more). So by now, you figure he should have had those shocks installed. Nooooo...then he drops this bomb about an L.A. trip he's going on, literally a week before, if that. I'm like, "okay...don't you have shocks you need to buy?" He says yeah, but I'm not spending money on the trip. Bullshit. I ask, "are you paying for gas?" He says no...I'm just riding down (the one that's driving said that she didn't expect him to pay, 'cause she asked, and they're visiting seperate people. I personally would force her to take the money. Then he goes on to tell me that his friend that he's visiting said he's gonna pay for everything. In my mind, I'm thinking, "he's free-loading this whole trip????" Okay, there's something wrong with this picture. First of all, you have other priorities to worry about than a freakin' trip to L.A. I need a vacation more than he does. I work two jobs! I can't use any vacation from the Merc until next year anyway! Second of all, don't you think it's a little embarrassing to be freeloading off friends? I can understand if you're a starving college student, but come on! I'm all for having fun and all, but if you can't do it on your own, don't do it! And me stuck here the whole weekend, not doing shit? You think I wanted to not do anything? Could've used some much needed alone time. He committed to this trip before even telling me...so if I said no, he was still gonna go anyway. Not even asked me if I wanted to do anything else. He said "if you don't want me to go, I won't go." I knew it wasn't a genuine statement. He'd hold it against me, and he'd be pissed at me the whole weekend. I'm not about to be the bad guy...he can be guilty for having a fun weekend and me sitting at home. "Call some friends" he says. Whatever. I was soooo tempted to "just go out and find someone" to spite him, but I'm bigger than that, and I knew I'd feel like shit afterwards. Okay, this part gets really weird and freaky I have unusual, but practical conversations with myself sometimes (a lot lately) "Can you find someone better?" Absolutely. "But do you really want to?" No. "Why, and don't say 'because.'" Because I love him. "But you can learn to love somebody else." Yeah, but I don't want to love somebody else. "Why?" Because we've been there for each other. "But you've done more for him than him for you." And? "And you're suffering." I know. But at the same time, I'm there for him, when everyone else has given up on him or has put doubt on him, I'm there, and that overpowers my suffering. I'm not the kind of person to just drop someone just because of their faults and failures. I look at the more positive things. There may be more negatives, but the quality of positives far outweigh them. And people on the outside don't see that, and don't understand. ...then the mental conversation just stops, because I've answered that question. When a new negative comes up, that converstation comes up again, and I just answer it the same way. Everytime. This weekend would have helped if we had some quality time together, but at the same time, it gave me a chance to look at the relationship and reevaluate, and see if it's really worth going forward. At this poiint, yes. If we don't work out things soon, well, that's another story. WOW...got that off my chest...I can breathe... |
I am Sofa King. We Taught It.
Now, repeat 3 times fast.
